Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm Scared

There's so much going through my head right now. I really want to change my major. I know that what I'm doing isn't right for me. I've been thinking about changing for three semesters now. The only thing I ever say about school is that I hate it. But I'm scared.

I'm scared that this is equivalent to giving up.

I don't want to be a quitter, and I don't want to give up. I want to put my entire heart into whatever I do. Quite honestly, though, I feel like I'm just putting my heart into a shredder. I am willing to work hard. I really am. Just not for something that's tearing me apart.

I'm scared that one day I'll regret this.

What if I'm changing too soon? What if I could have done better? What if one day I ask myself what if? I promised myself that I would chase my dreams... Yet this feels so far from a dream. I also promised myself I would never stay stuck in something I hated. And I realllly hate this. I never thought the two of these self promises would clash. But here they are in contention.

And I'm scared, perhaps most of all, that some of my friends and family are disappointed in me.

I feel like my dad (and a few others) truly don't understand why I want to change. I think they think I'm just giving up, but I genuinely don't think that's the case. I suppose it's possibly the case. I am fairly overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe my judgment is clouded...

But somewhere inside, I KNOW I'm making the right decision in leaving.
I know that I have to leave mechanical engineering.
I just don't know where to go...

And that scares me too.

I don't typically get scared. I'm usually pretty secure and comfortable with who I am and the decisions I make. Uncertainty usually doesn't bother me. I'm a relatively flexible and spontaneous individual. I love going new places and trying new things. That's all I'm doing this time, right?
Trying something new. Going somewhere new.
Why does it feel so... challenging...? overwhelming...? questionable...?

I think what bothers me the most is those people who don't understand.
I want them to see that this is good for me.
I want them to see that I'm not just running away.
I'm not just giving up.
I'm not going for the "easy" way out.
And I'm not going for second best.
I'M not second best.
I'm not wasting my time.
And the past two years haven't been a waste.
The past two years are now a part of who I am.
The past two years will come in handy in the future.
... somehow ...

And I know that.
I know there's a reason this is the course my undergraduate career has taken. Maybe one day I'll look back and understand it all. Maybe I'll be able to say exactly why. Or maybe it's just been a part of growing up and coming to terms with who I am. And as far as I can see, I am not an engineer.
I still don't know exactly who I am... But trust me, I'll figure it out.