Friday, January 22, 2010

The first thing I'd like to say is that now I understand why Lisa blogs when she wants to put off studying. I've never actually studied for real much... So I'm really just now discovering that when you actually study, you actually need study breaks.
Now for one of my latest dilemmas. I had to write a journal for technical communications, and in the assignment, it indicates that my first paragraph is to be a summary of the short story I had to read. A summary... I've spent the past five years or so getting pounded with anti-summary demands. I feel a little... shocked. I sat for so long with ms word open - trying to type - and I couldn't seem to write a summary knowing that I was about to analyze the story. It just seemed so wrong. No worries. I got it done.
Now I'm just trying to catch up in... well... all my classes except tech. comm. I don't know why school is so hard. I mean, I guess if it was easy we wouldn't learn anything. But still. It's hard.
I've been in a rather dreadful mood since Sunday night. I played basketball - lots of running - and I'm not sure if you're aware, but I hurt my knee at the end of December. Running seems to irritate it, and I think that might be partly why I'm grouchy. It hurts pretty bad, so walking or riding my bike also can cause pain. Whatever though. I'm sure I'll be fine. I just wish I could be in a good mood again though. I don't really know how to fix it.

Monday, January 11, 2010

My Name.

It's Brianna Leigh Morrison. That's who I am.
I am Brianna. I am strong. I am noble. I am virtuous. I am like a hill - like a safe place.
I am also Leigh. I am like a clearing. I am like a meadow. Like a breath of fresh air. A place to be at peace. A place to experience beauty and natural release.

I like knowing who I am. I thought you might like to know too.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Dreaming - minus the terror part.

There's this interesting thing about me that a few people know...
I kind of want to be an astronaut.

There have been times when I claimed that I don't actually want that, but I think it may have been because I don't think it could possibly happen. However, the truth is when I consider going to space, something inside gets bigger, it grows, it leaps. I sorta get butterflies, and it's a little difficult to breathe. Personally, I think that means something...
I don't know why I want this. I honestly can't figure out a really good reason to be an astronaut other than the fact that it's super duper cool. I can't specifically see why I would truly care to be an astronaut.
I mean, I love space, yeah... but it needs to be bigger than that. Just wanting to be an astronaut isn't a good enough reason. I'm sure hundreds of thousands of people have wanted to be an astronaut at some point or another. This desire has to be bigger than just my desires. I need a reason to be an astronaut, a reason to go to space, a reason to work for NASA. Something that will change me, something that will change other people, maybe even something that will change the world. I don't particularly want to do something if it's not going to make a difference.
Well, I'm looking into this. I'm still interested.
But I still don't know if it's possible.

Maybe one day I'll find out.

Sometimes dreams do come true. And in reality, the fact that people don't think it's possible makes me want to do it all the more.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Imaginary Terror - Daydreams vs. Nightmares

Criminal Minds is one of my favorite shows.
Last week, I discovered two channels that show Criminal Minds everyday and found them on the schedule so I could watch it every time it was showing. I could watch it four times a day, everyday, unless it's Wednesday - then I could watch it five times because that's usually when they show the new episode.
The problem is that three of these showings are right before I typically go to bed. Another problem is that being abducted and/or raped and/or murdered are basically my worst fears. The final problem here is that I have a super intensely vivid imagination.
Criminal Minds doesn't usually show anything gruesome like CSI or other crime shows do, but they do a very good job of implying horrific things. If you know me very well, you probably know that I tend to take implications and over analyze them and it just goes too far because of my imagination. This is no different when it comes to Criminal Minds. It gets worse though.
Last night, one of the shows I watched was part one out of two, and they don't show reruns in order so I didn't get to see part two. I didn't know what happened, and it was driving me crazy. Well, I looked them up on so that I could find out how it ended. I read the entire synopsis, which doesn't have a whole lot of details, but my brain is even better at taking these too far because it pretty much has free reign. The show kind of harnesses my imagination because of what it doesn't actually display. When I'm reading, however, I have no idea what's on screen and what's not. I can completely imagine everything that happens.
(This is common when I read. Sometimes I can't remember whether something I remember was in a book or a movie because I see the story just as distinctly in either case.)
Anyway, after I finished reading that synopsis, I saw that there were only like twelve episodes after that one until I was caught up on the new season. I decided to read them all. (By the way, it was about one o'clock in the morning, and I was lying in bed fixin to fall asleep.) I read eight or nine of them before I was too tired to keep my eyes open, and I drifted off. Then I had some... interesting dreams.
I'm sure you've all had a dream where you dreamed that you woke up, and then you actually woke up and it was kind of weird. That happened... but it was three or four layers deep.

I had a dream that I was in the car with my brother Greg and his wife Ashley. We saw something laying in the ditch, and Greg got out to check and see what it was. I was in the back seat, and Ashley was driving, but when Greg got out, she drove away and asked if anyone knew I was here. (Not sure why...) She told me to put my head down and hide in the floor board, so I did. (And somehow I was still buckled up, lol) We headed back to the house, and I was trying to figure out what was going on. I asked whose body was in the ditch, and she said it was Greg's. I was really confused because the body had been there before Greg got out of the car. So I asked her where we were going, and she said that we had to go home and tell Greg what had happened. But that didn't make any sense either because she'd just said that Greg's body was in the ditch, so I asked again whose body was in the ditch. To which she again responded that it was Greg's. This seriously wasn't making any sense! I asked once more where we were going, and she replied the same - we had to go home and tell Greg what was going on. I came to the conclusion that she was hysterical and it wasn't possible for me to understand her 'logic' because she didn't even really know what she was doing. Anyway, we got home (but it didn't actually look like their real house. It was their house in the dream, but not actually their house in reality, if that makes sense.) The front door (which once again, didn't look like their real front door) had been broken into and left open, so we got scared and left. When we got back into the car, I woke up terrified and went into the room my parents were staying in to tell them I was scared. (By the way, my parents aren't here. They were here for a few days but have already gone back to Indiana.) When I made sure my parents were okay and talked to them for a few minutes, I started walking back to my room. Now as the "dream me" was walking, the "asleep me" felt someone's arms on mine. I was kind of awake and kind of asleep and I was freaking out, trying to wake up so that I could get this person off of me. It was really hard to wake up, but I started scratching at the hands of whoever was touching me. I was pretty sure they were there to murder me or something. I could hear myself breathing too fast, and I tried to scream, but nothing would come out of my voice. Eventually I woke up, and discovered that it was Greg shaking me, trying to get me out of the nightmare. And then I actually woke up for real, and I was alone in my room - still breathing too fast and trying to scream.

So let me recap real quick... I had a dream that Greg died, I woke up to go talk to my parents, and then I woke up to Greg shaking me, and then I woke up from all my dreams. I'm not sure if that's three or four layers deep. I woke up three times... all inside the other.
It was so weird. And I was so scared. I laid there for a while trying to calm down so I could go back to sleep and NOT have anymore nightmares. I hate nightmares. I couldn't get it all out of my head, so I read some scriptures and prayed and thought pretty thoughts about good things. Eventually I went back to sleep and didn't have anymore bad dreams.
This has disturbed me, though.
Maybe I just need to stop watching Criminal Minds altogether... But I really don't want to.
Dr. Spencer Reid is one of my absolute favorite characters of all time, even though he's not possible - with an IQ of 187, a nearly perfect photographic (eidetic) memory, and a reading speed of 20,000 words per minute. He's SO smart, and insanely analytical and intelligent. Everything he says makes sense, and he can figure things out that nobody else can. He notices details that none of the other characters think might be important, even though they are. He's one of the most sensitive despite that he's had some of the more painful struggles, which include kidnapping, torturing, forced drug abuse, and a gun shot to the knee. I love the way he evaluates and understands people.
Oh, and in case you don't know, Criminal Minds is about the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. It's their job to evaluate and analyze people. I think I like it because I have a natural tendency to do that. I often read into people and their behaviors and notice small details that a lot of other people don't and then I analyze them and try to figure out more about the deeper causes. This show was so interesting because it helped me realize that what I do is actually somewhat logical. They find killers based on patterns and behavior. I don't try to find killers or anything, but I do try to relate to people based on patterns and their behavior. I just can't help it. I guess since their job kind of relate-able for me, I really don't want to stop watching it.

Maybe I'll just start recording the shows and watching them in the mornings.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Over time I've become pretty convinced that my life and music are very complexly intertwined.
I can hardly imagine how dull life would be without music.
Just think about it... Movies wouldn't be nearly as captivating or dramatic without music. The songs bring the screen, the story, to life. Music evokes emotion. Some things you can only feel through hearing, feeling music. It encourages action. Have you ever just wanted to DANCE when you heard a song? I know I have. In fact, that happens to me all the time.

Also, the reverse is true. Not only does music cause emotion - emotions inspire music. Songs are born when there seems to be no other way to express what's inside. No other way that truly represents the combination of feelings and thoughts and desires, etc. It's those times when you're so happy you could sing. Times when you're hurt but don't know how tell anyone or what words to use. Songs can express it all.
Oh, and love. Love songs. Love is one of the strongest emotions that exists, and it's created SO many songs.
Probably more than everything else combined.

And I love how diverse music is. Pretty much *everyone* loves some kind of music or another. Some people love to play music, some people love to write music, some people love to just listen to music.
Basically... I. love. music.
And I can't imagine my life without it.