Tuesday, February 9, 2010

My Whole Heart

It's approximately 2a.m. and I'm still awake. Why? Procrastination. Surprised? Not at all. Disappointed? Yeah, a little.
This semester, as with pretty much every other semester ever, it's been my goal to stop procrastinating. Is this even possible? I don't know. Anything's possible. So, yeah. I just have to find a way to do it, and I guess I have to do it a little at a time. Numerous people have "success stories" and they're all different. Few people quit anything "cold turkey" so that's not my goal. My goal is to improve a little here and there. I guess I have improved some. There have been a couple of assignments that I completed ahead of time, or at the very least STARTED ahead of time. I have a presentation tomorrow.
I've done a lot of work on it. I really have, but do I have anything to physically, tangibly show for it? No. Not yet. I don't know why I work like this... But I think it's because it works for me. Sometimes I wish it didn't. If procrastination didn't work, I would probably quit. I've gotten so into the habit of expecting it to work, though, that I continue doing it.
My freshman year in high school, we had an English assignment to write another chapter to The Odyssey, including an illustration. I started on it the night before it was due. I finished it during my morning classes and lunch time. I turned it with the illustration not entirely complete. When our teacher began returning our projects, she announced that she could easily tell who'd worked hard on this and who'd simply done it the night before, and that our grades reflected that. I got nervous. However. When she handed my paper back, I think I had either a 99 or 100. I can't remember which one. Did my grade reflect that I'd finished this assignment AS it was due? I think not. Isn't this such encouragement to continue procrastinating? If others can work on the same thing for days, maybe even weeks and receive the same grade that I get for working on it less than 24 hours, I think I'll take that trade. But the issue is that this doesn't work quite as well in college.
My grades are considerably lower than they were in high school. Many reasons, I suppose. The work is harder. The competition is stronger. The expectations are higher. The classes are larger. Everyone else is getting better, and I still feel sorta stuck where I was in high school. It's rough. I keep trying to change, but the ruts are deep.
There are so many things that I'm really good at, but school just isn't one of them right now.
I work relatively hard. I'm relatively smart. My grades are relatively good.
But I don't work as hard as I could. My grades don't reflect how smart I could be if I entirely applied myself.
The Bible tells me this:
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
When I don't do my homework, I'm not obeying my current earthly masters. I'm not doing it with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. I'm not working with my whole heart. I'm not working as if for the Lord. I'm not serving the Lord Christ.
This is my goal. I want to serve my Lord.

No comments: