I took one of my favorite pictures ever this weekend.
My parents have developed a hobby of antique-ing. They go to antique stores on a regular basis apparently. While they were visiting Greg's, of course, they had to see the antique stores they haven't been to yet.
By the way, I'm not complaining.
I had fun.
Cause I like to take pictures.
:-)
A couple of the stores had antique cameras. And I thought they were SO cool.
Therefore, I took pictures of them.
And this one is my favorite:

I set it as my computer's desktop background.
:-)

There's Still That Kid. Somewhere.

Today I went to the Children's Museum with my brother, his wife, and their kids. I honestly can't remember the last time I went. I was quite probably a child, actually. Luckily, though, it's an interesting place for everyone, not just people under the age of twelve. And after a lot of thinking, and also some other previous thoughts, I've decided it's because we're all still partly kids somewhere deep down inside. Some people have a more dominant kid, but most of us never really grow out of that desire to see and think about things from a child's perspective, a child's heart. I remember when school was so much fun. I remember when I loved to think and figure things out. I remember when I loved, loved to learn. Well, I'm still that way. I just forget it sometimes. I think I really forgot that this semester. So many teachers aren't interested in teaching us how to learn. They seem to interested in teaching us how to produce a certain answer. I think the most important thing you can ever learn is how to learn. That's why I want to be a teacher. Not very many people know that I realllly want to be a teacher. When you can expand somebody's brain, it's one of the coolest things ever. That's another thing about teachers. So many of them aren't interested in expanding students' brains. It's common to try to create cookie-cutter brains. "This is how you should think. This is what you should do. This is what you shouldn't do. This is where you should go. This and that and this and that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." You know, I don't care much about engineering, to be truthful... But I still love learning, when I try to learn. For a lot of the time since this September, I wasn't focused on learning and thinking and growing. I've been focused on surviving. I hate "surviving." I love living. Have you ever noticed just how ALIVE children are? This is why I like to think that somewhere inside I'm still that kid that I was just a short while ago. The older people get, the more they tend to die. Money gets tight, and a little bit of you inside starts to die. Parents misunderstand you, and a little bit of you inside starts to die. You don't meet expectations, so you end up disappointing other people and even yourself, so a little bit of you inside starts to die. We're always dying. Why can't we just live? Maybe because... It hurts. It's hard. But it's still what I want. It's worth it. When living is fun, when your heart and soul and spirit are thriving and healthy... That's when life seems right. Some of the most wonderful times are those times when I feel like my flesh is here simply BECAUSE my soul is. Then, those times when my body is just dragging my soul around because it has to... those are the times that hurt. And of course there are always both. This is just how life works. Ups and downs of course. But I want my soul to be more alive than my body. I think that's how people start out. I think that's the very alive part that I see in children. Their bodies are so filled with life because their souls are so filled with life. I feel like I must clarify though. There's a big, big difference in being "childlike" and being "childish." Childlike is a much more positive term. Childish seems more to me like the characteristics of being selfish and stubborn. Undesireable traits. Immaturity, inconsideration, outbursts of temper, etc. But childlike... Childlike is more along the lines of simplistic. Spontaneous. Ideal. Good. Pure. Hopeful. Healthy. Heartwarming. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, so I guess my point is that going to the museum today reminded me of how fun it was to be a child. How fun and wonderful thinking and learning can be. Life and learning don't have to be chores and drills. It's so much more. It's my goal to re-learn how to live life like a child. Because I know for certain there's still that kid. Somewhere. Somewhere in my heart. Longing to be restored. Somewhere.

FORTRAN.

IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!

listen up

How many times have I written about wanting to give up? I don't know, but I can positively tell you that it hasn't been even a tenth of the times I've contemplated and longed to give up. School gets hard, life gets frustrating, and I simply want to give up. So today I started wondering why this is my default.
Why do I desire to give up when circumstances seem stronger than me? How amazing would it be if I had a yearning to be stronger, to work harder, to do that much more, rather than trying to do less? Trials and struggles are a calling to grow, not to shrink. It isn't my place to run from difficulties. It isn't my place to present myself as a weaker being when I'm frustrated or under pressure. It's my job to push back at my circumstances.
When a surface has a large weight on it and that weight increases, the surface is intended to increase its reactionary force. The earth's normal force increases when jump up and down instead of just standing. When I stomp my feet and try to break through the surface of the earth, it just meets my force with a force of its own that's just as strong. The earth is stronger than me. It's supposed to be. In the same manner, I'm SUPPOSED to be stronger than the pressures surrounding me. Not only am I supposed to be that way, I actually am.

I AM STRONGER.

And I don't have to cave under the situations that make me want to crawl into bed and stay there until everything's better. That wouldn't even make everything better anyway.Things have a tendency to get worse when left alone. To think that I could run away from life with hopes that it would improve is utterly ridiculous. That wouldn't happen. Things would only get worse. But I don't have to hide away and leave life to take care of itself, because I'm bigger than I often let myself believe.
I'm bigger, because I trust in God. I'm bigger because God is bigger. I'm stronger, because God is stronger, and His strength lives in me. And I think He's trying to get me to see this. I've heard three lessons today about trusting God. Three. Today. The first was the sermon this morning in church. It was about going through painful times, and still trusting God. That even when life and circumstances hurt, God has a plan for us and works all things together for His name.
The second was in Sunday school when we talked about anxiety, which is failing to trust God in times when we aren't even sure if we can take care of ourselves. Anxiety is trying to take things out of God's hands and control them on our own. Clearly, this is a bad decision. God has so much more power than I do. Why would I ever hope to do anything better than He could do it? Many people say that it's because we think God is too small. I think those people are wrong.
Personally, I get stressed out when I think God is too big. When I think I'm too small for such a big God to care about the things that feel overwhelming to me. My problems aren't too big for God. God is too big for my problems. My problems are definitely big enough for me to worry about. But God? Maybe they're not big enough for Him.
When I feel like my world would fall apart if my problems weren't resolved in the way I expect, that's when I get worried. God's world wouldn't fall apart. Mine would. Why should He be concerned about them?
Why? Because He loves me. What matters to me matters to him. And right now, it matters to me that I'm an engineering student. It also matters to me that I don't really know why I'm here. It matters to me that I'm wondering about my future and my purpose.
Here's the thing, though: if God IS my world, my world can't fall apart. No matter what I'm going through. When God is my everything, I have no reason to doubt. I have no reason to be afraid. All I can be is grateful. And that's what the third lesson was about today - a grateful heart.
Being grateful is when I've trusted that God has provided me with what I truly need. Appreciating what I have. Believing that my past and present are good enough and just what He knows is best for me. Being grateful for both the circumstances and the provisions.
I'm not sure how all of this really fits together, but I do know God is moving through it. God is speaking to me, teaching me, and it's time for me to listen up. I know I have a reason here. I know He has a purpose for me. And I am certain that HE is strong enough to make ME strong enough.

True Story.

So here's the thing: the hot and cold water in the bathroom at my apartment are backwards. Even though the right knob has a blue dot, and the left knob has a red dot. Red SHOULD indicate hot, but, ya know, this time it doesn't. Anyway, with this whole reverse thing, I've gotten used to the left knob producing cold water and the right hot. Because of this, when I use public restrooms, I still have the tendency to turn on the left knob... Then I get soap... Then I spread the soap over my palms and the backs of my hands... And so on... What this means is the hot water has plenty of time to get... HOT. Since I'm used to the other side being hot, I don't expect to get scalded when I put my hands under the water to rinse off the soap. However, I do. And this is a true story. Maybe I should just stop using public restrooms forever. Then I can just use my backwards little sink without worrying about getting burnt.

really awful.

So, I got realllllllly sick yesterday. Extremely sick. And I didn't do any of my homework. Or go to class. I didn't even get out of bed to go to the clinic until roughly 4p.m. The doctor told me I should have gone in earlier so they could give me some fluids. It doesn't matter though, because I'm mostly fine now. I skipped class again today, though, and I feel really bad about it. However, every time I stand up and try to walk around, I remember why I stayed home, lounging on the couch.
I think that's all I have to say. Except that I might read the Harry Potter books. And that I'm really awful at coming up with names for my blogs.

I wish I could quit.

You're not going to approve of this post. But... it's very much how I feel right now.

I hate school. I'm not a good student. I don't belong in college...
I know I'm smart. And do I enjoy learning. But there are also many other ways to learn. I can't do this the way most people do.
Homework doesn't work for me. I had an assignment due last week that I didn't finish. I have one due tomorrow that I don't possibly have time to finish. I had one due this morning that I didn't know was due this morning, which obviously means I didn't finish it. And these are all for the same class.
Tests don't really work for me. You usually have to do homework and/or studying to do well on tests. I think I've established that I don't really do either...
I'm ready to give up. I don't even feel that accomplished when I get good grades. But when I don't get good grades I feel like such a failure. I don't even have to fail to feel like a failure. Just getting a B is bad enough.
It's like a lose-lose situation. Nothing about going to class and getting judged on my performance makes me feel good. Ever.
And I just wish I could quit.